by Annalisa Holcombe

Are you a “jump-in-the-hole” type of friend?

If you wonder what that means, here’s some context: on the 92,000 Hours podcast, our guest Troy Hooton was asked what he is most proud of about himself as a human. His answer was that he is a “jump in the hole” type of friend. Then he provided a story.

A guy was walking down the street one day and fell down an open manhole. He begins to yell for help. A doctor walks by and upon hearing his cries, he writes out a prescription and throws it down the hole. Of course, that didn’t help. He continues his pleas as a pastor walks by. Hearing his plea, the pastor stops, writes a prayer, and throws it down the hole. Of course, that didn’t help, either. Feeling more desperate, the man continues to yell for help. His friend hears him, runs over, and jumps into the hole. Staring at his friend, the man says, “Why did you jump down here with me? Now neither one of us can get out!”

The friend puts his arm around the man and says…

““I’m in this with you. I’ve been here before, and I know the way out.””

Now, the only way to be a jump-in-the-hole kind of friend (or partner, or colleague) is to have the ability to truly empathize with the person in the hole. And empathy is far more difficult and emotionally taxing than sympathy. This is why sympathy is a much easier go-to for most of us. Brené Brown and RSA have created a quick, charming video that explains the difference. I highly recommend it.

Dr. Brown explains that empathy fosters connection and sympathy drives disconnection. When someone gives us sympathy, we might even describe them as feeling sorry “for” us. But when someone truly expresses empathy, we might describe them as feeling sorry “with” us. Dr. Brown has developed the four attributes of empathy in order to help us understand how to truly feel “with” someone:

Perspective-taking – truly seeing the world through the eyes of another
Staying out of judgment – being open to what the other person is feeling
Recognizing emotions – remembering what it is like to feel that feeling
Communication – expressing your understanding of that feeling

This is really hard work, and to do it well we must be in a place where we are also emotionally available to feel those feelings. Additionally, we must give ourselves time to recover from those feelings. Truly feeling empathy requires a significant investment.

“When we are able to truly empathize, we can encourage compassion, acceptance, and authenticity to thrive in our relationships.”

It is okay if we can’t always be that “jump in the hole” friend. But when we are able to truly empathize, we can encourage compassion, acceptance, and authenticity to thrive in our relationships. It can be a transformational moment.

And that reminds me of another story. Many years ago, I had the opportunity to hear Michael Wesch—a professor, cultural anthropologist, and amazing storyteller—give a keynote speech that describes the poignant beauty of true empathy. He told a story of a lifelong connection he had with a community in Papua New Guinea. On one of his visits, he was walking along a ridge above the village and taking in the beauty of the landscape. He began to feel sad that he wasn’t able to share the moment with his wife and realized how much he missed her. He became so emotional that his knees buckled, and he cried. He allowed himself to really feel his loneliness and weep. But then he saw a few of the men he knew in the community approaching him, also hiking along the ridge. Michael tried to pull himself together, to be a bit more “manly”. But as the men grew closer, Michael could see that they, too, were weeping. Quietly, without words, they sat down beside him and continued to cry. Michael was amazed and confused. He asked them what they were doing, and they told him that they could see that he was sad and they, too, knew sadness. So, they came up to sit with him in his sadness.

There may be nothing more truly beautiful than the connection we feel when someone is willing to sit with us in our sadness or jump in the hole with us. If you are able to be that person for the individuals you live with, work with, and love – you probably understand why I’m so passionate about the magic of experiencing true connection.

And if you find someone in your life willing to be that person for you, I encourage you to hold on tight.

Jumping in the Hole