Ep 36: Fear Workshop
92,000 Hours
This week's topic is fear. In this episode, we talk about things we are afraid of, mostly focusing on our professional lives, although the lessons we learn can be applied to any aspect of life. We do an exercise together to name our fears, identify the consequences of not dealing with the fear, and steps to conquer them. We also talk about how our mindsets affect us and work through another exercise to identify our mental models.
If you want to leave us a voicemail about your thoughts on this episode, leave us a voicemail or email us! You can reach us at 385-501-7333 or annalisa@connectioncollaborative.com
Transcript
Annalisa Holcombe (1:46): Our first episode this season was on trust, our second on vulnerability, and our third on identity. If you haven’t listened to those episodes yet, I encourage you to go back and do so. Our episodes build on each other this season to help you know yourself and build on that knowledge. So before I get into this episode on Fear, I want to take a moment to reflect on our identity episode. You may remember that I asked you to identify your given, chosen and core identities, and asked you to reflect on what you learned about yourself. If you track us on social media, you would have seen an instagram reel showing how to do this, and understanding a bit more about what our producer Bree learned about herself in this exercise. Our marketing manager Lexie took some time to reflect on her own learnings, too, and this is what she said:
Lexie Banks (2:39): As I went deeper into each circle in the exercise, my list kept getting shorter and shorter. We’re told to be so many things and assigned so many identities, it seems like a lot of our lives – or at least a lot of my life – is spent parsing through that to see who we really are and what we really want. The question about whether these qualities changed over time was particularly interesting to me, because I spent a lot of time lately considering what parts of my identity are my own and which parts are inspired by or assigned by people around me that I’m just trying to live up to. I ended up having explorer, curious, and adaptable in my core circle – and those have remained steady throughout my life. In the past I think I would have used the term “adventurer” instead of “explorer”, I was more externally focused and looking for my grand adventure. Now, maybe since I’ve had my grand adventure, I’m much more satisfied with the day-to-day exploration, seeing and understanding things around me in new ways. I’ve changed that terminology a little bit.
Lexie Banks (3:51): There are other identities I tried to put in the core category that I realized were really chosen, because there were times when I didn’t exhibit those qualities. Those things like being gnerous and vulnerable and kind ended up in the chosen category, because if I’m being honest with myself there are times when I chose not to be. But I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t exploring or wanting to explore, when I wasn’t curious or adaptable. They are truly core to who I am and I can’t get away from them.
Annalisa Holcombe (4:20): Thank you so much Lexie for your courage in sharing your personal insights. Did anything Lexie said resonate with you? When you did the identity exercise (which you can find on our blog at connectioncollaborative.com), did anything surprise you? I’ve had the most meaningful experiences listening to the way others have interpreted this exercise, and reflecting on what that means to me. I have learned that I can respect and even give myself grace for the trauma-informed identities that were given to me, and to notice when those identities are centered in areas of my life that I didn’t expect them. In fact, I remember hearing once from a wise friend that we’re all just little kids dragging our little red wagons full of our childhood baggage with us, and we should acknowledge that who we are, all of our identities are in that little red wagon. What did you learn about your own identities - and which do you truly consider core to who you are? Again, I’d love to hear from you about what you learned about yourself in this process.
Annalisa Holcombe (5:44): But now we are going to talk about fear. And I don’t mean the easy stuff we can easily share with others - like fear of heights, or spiders. I mean the existential stuff. Underneath it all, what are you really afraid of? I’ve asked this question of my former students for over 15 years and I learned that once we open up (through the vulnerability and courage we’ve already discussed this season), we share many of the same fears. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of becoming just like our parents, fear of letting our parents down, fear of rejection, fear of being unlovable, fear of being alone. The work of really identifying your fears - naming them, and saying them out loud, can provide you with the power you need (and already have within you) to overcome them. Because we talk about our 92,000 Hours at work in this podcast, for purposes of our discussion today, I’m really interested in focusing on the fears you may have at work. Throughout these past few years, I’ve noticed so many new fears coming to the surface in our work: fear of losing our jobs, fear of working in a job that isn’t fulfilling, fear of finding ourselves older but not any better off. We are all at some level of insecurity - and I don’t mean having insecurities, but actually not being secure. We are all a little less - or a lot less - secure in our understanding of our worth at work, of our safety within our communities, of our ability to be heard and understood by those around us, of losing those we love.
Annalisa Holcombe (7:47): So I ask you, truly - what are you afraid of? What are those things that keep you up at night? I encourage you to write it down, define it, and reflect on it. Research shows that when we shine light on our fears, we can remove their power over us. I learned a great exercise on this from career coach Lea McLeod.
To start shining a light on your fears, get out a journal and complete these sentences:
I’m afraid of: (for example, getting fired from my job.)
This fear is caused by: (insecurity that results from not getting validated with praise or recognition.)
As a result of not dealing with this fear, I am: (completely stressed, not sleeping, and gaining weight.)
If I take constructive steps to address this fear: (I will have a much higher quality of work life.)
Once you identify what fear is holding you back, you’ll have an easier time taking action to release it.
Annalisa Holcombe (9:27): And I’ve also learned that mindset matters when it comes to conquering our fears. Mental models are deeply held images of thinking and acting. They are the framework we use to make sense of our experiences. Mental models are not inherently bad or good, they are just shortcuts to our thinking. For example, your mental model for the word July could include summer, but if you live in the southern hemisphere your mental model for the word July is winter. Your mental model for work might look like an office, but over the past few years it might just look like a computer screen.
Annalisa Holcombe (10:07): So, let’s examine your mental models about yourself. Think about this sentence. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either one is probably true.” What does this mean to you? You have created mental models about yourself and the world around you. We often don’t share those mental models, and as a result, we don’t receive feedback to actually check those thoughts on whether they are true or not.
Annalisa Holcombe (10:52): Let’s dig in. Finish this sentence: I’m the type of person who . . . .
Don't’ just list one thing. List as many as you can think of. What kind of person are you? You’re the type of person who . . . . (I challenge you to think of at least 10 items). If you struggle with this, let’s get back to the idea of fear at work. When you think about what you are afraid of at work, you’re the type of person who . . . (what?)
Annalisa Holcombe (11:25): Once you have at least ten items, it’s time to create a chart. On the top of the chart list the word mental model, then positive and then negative. Draw a line underneath each of those words. Under those words list the mental models you identified. For example, if it was I’m the type of person who struggles with numbers, write down “struggles with numbers” and then note if that is a positive or negative mental model. Continue and complete that exercise for each mental model you wrote down. Don’t worry! I’ll wait!
Annalisa Holcombe (12:13): Now, take a look: how many of your mental models about yourself are positive? How many are negative? Are you giving yourself grace? When it comes to your mental models about yourself at work, what are they? Are they more positive than negative? Or more negative than positive?
Annalisa Holcombe (12:36): Finally, especially for those negative mental models, let’s talk about why they exist. For each mental model, examine where you learned this about yourself - do you struggle with numbers because you weren’t able to do something as quickly as someone else? For example, I might say I’m not great with numbers, but when I really examine that, its because I didn’t learn excel in college and have always felt inadequate to everyone around me. Is it something I can overcome? Yes, What changes can I make? I can learn more on excel and practice using it more instead of simply saying I’m bad at it and giving that work to someone else. I can take a class, and practice!
Annalisa Holcombe (13:40): I encourage you to take some time with this. Start with work. What are your own mental models about yourself at work. And even more to the point: what are your own mental models about the things you are AFRAID OF at work? Are they positive or negative? What actually led you to think this about yourself? Is that thinking valid? Are there things you can do to overcome this mental model?
Annalisa Holcombe (14:10): This exercise is going to take some time. Give it yourself. Then step away and go back to it and see what you think.
Annalisa Holcombe (14:19): This work is hard. Thinking about fear is hard, overcoming those fears is also hard. These are the tools to help you do it. You’ve already done the work to understand yourself and be better. Ways to be vulnerable, ways to have courage and trust yourself. And now, how to overcome your fears. I’m really interested to hear what you have to say.
Annalisa Holcombe (15:14): And as I’ve down throughout this season, here is your homework. I’ve created another blogpost to help you - I’ve included the questions in this podcast, as well as the mental model chart. You can find it on our website at www.connectioncollaborative.com/blog
Annalisa Holcombe (15:33): If you want to dig in more, we have an entire episode dedicated to fear featuring Dr. Susan Arsht, which you can find in Season 1, Episode 4. And finally, call me, write me, post your thoughts on social media. I really do want to hear from you! Thanks for listening, and thanks for doing the work.
Annalisa Holcombe (1:46): Our first episode this season was on trust, our second on vulnerability, and our third on identity. If you haven’t listened to those episodes yet, I encourage you to go back and do so. Our episodes build on each other this season to help you know yourself and build on that knowledge. So before I get into this episode on Fear, I want to take a moment to reflect on our identity episode. You may remember that I asked you to identify your given, chosen and core identities, and asked you to reflect on what you learned about yourself. If you track us on social media, you would have seen an instagram reel showing how to do this, and understanding a bit more about what our producer Bree learned about herself in this exercise. Our marketing manager Lexie took some time to reflect on her own learnings, too, and this is what she said:
Lexie Banks (2:39): As I went deeper into each circle in the exercise, my list kept getting shorter and shorter. We’re told to be so many things and assigned so many identities, it seems like a lot of our lives – or at least a lot of my life – is spent parsing through that to see who we really are and what we really want. The question about whether these qualities changed over time was particularly interesting to me, because I spent a lot of time lately considering what parts of my identity are my own and which parts are inspired by or assigned by people around me that I’m just trying to live up to. I ended up having explorer, curious, and adaptable in my core circle – and those have remained steady throughout my life. In the past I think I would have used the term “adventurer” instead of “explorer”, I was more externally focused and looking for my grand adventure. Now, maybe since I’ve had my grand adventure, I’m much more satisfied with the day-to-day exploration, seeing and understanding things around me in new ways. I’ve changed that terminology a little bit.
Lexie Banks (3:51): There are other identities I tried to put in the core category that I realized were really chosen, because there were times when I didn’t exhibit those qualities. Those things like being gnerous and vulnerable and kind ended up in the chosen category, because if I’m being honest with myself there are times when I chose not to be. But I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t exploring or wanting to explore, when I wasn’t curious or adaptable. They are truly core to who I am and I can’t get away from them.
Annalisa Holcombe (4:20): Thank you so much Lexie for your courage in sharing your personal insights. Did anything Lexie said resonate with you? When you did the identity exercise (which you can find on our blog at connectioncollaborative.com), did anything surprise you? I’ve had the most meaningful experiences listening to the way others have interpreted this exercise, and reflecting on what that means to me. I have learned that I can respect and even give myself grace for the trauma-informed identities that were given to me, and to notice when those identities are centered in areas of my life that I didn’t expect them. In fact, I remember hearing once from a wise friend that we’re all just little kids dragging our little red wagons full of our childhood baggage with us, and we should acknowledge that who we are, all of our identities are in that little red wagon. What did you learn about your own identities - and which do you truly consider core to who you are? Again, I’d love to hear from you about what you learned about yourself in this process.
Annalisa Holcombe (5:44): But now we are going to talk about fear. And I don’t mean the easy stuff we can easily share with others - like fear of heights, or spiders. I mean the existential stuff. Underneath it all, what are you really afraid of? I’ve asked this question of my former students for over 15 years and I learned that once we open up (through the vulnerability and courage we’ve already discussed this season), we share many of the same fears. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of becoming just like our parents, fear of letting our parents down, fear of rejection, fear of being unlovable, fear of being alone. The work of really identifying your fears - naming them, and saying them out loud, can provide you with the power you need (and already have within you) to overcome them. Because we talk about our 92,000 Hours at work in this podcast, for purposes of our discussion today, I’m really interested in focusing on the fears you may have at work. Throughout these past few years, I’ve noticed so many new fears coming to the surface in our work: fear of losing our jobs, fear of working in a job that isn’t fulfilling, fear of finding ourselves older but not any better off. We are all at some level of insecurity - and I don’t mean having insecurities, but actually not being secure. We are all a little less - or a lot less - secure in our understanding of our worth at work, of our safety within our communities, of our ability to be heard and understood by those around us, of losing those we love.
Annalisa Holcombe (7:47): So I ask you, truly - what are you afraid of? What are those things that keep you up at night? I encourage you to write it down, define it, and reflect on it. Research shows that when we shine light on our fears, we can remove their power over us. I learned a great exercise on this from career coach Lea McLeod.
To start shining a light on your fears, get out a journal and complete these sentences:
I’m afraid of: (for example, getting fired from my job.)
This fear is caused by: (insecurity that results from not getting validated with praise or recognition.)
As a result of not dealing with this fear, I am: (completely stressed, not sleeping, and gaining weight.)
If I take constructive steps to address this fear: (I will have a much higher quality of work life.)
Once you identify what fear is holding you back, you’ll have an easier time taking action to release it.
Annalisa Holcombe (9:27): And I’ve also learned that mindset matters when it comes to conquering our fears. Mental models are deeply held images of thinking and acting. They are the framework we use to make sense of our experiences. Mental models are not inherently bad or good, they are just shortcuts to our thinking. For example, your mental model for the word July could include summer, but if you live in the southern hemisphere your mental model for the word July is winter. Your mental model for work might look like an office, but over the past few years it might just look like a computer screen.
Annalisa Holcombe (10:07): So, let’s examine your mental models about yourself. Think about this sentence. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either one is probably true.” What does this mean to you? You have created mental models about yourself and the world around you. We often don’t share those mental models, and as a result, we don’t receive feedback to actually check those thoughts on whether they are true or not.
Annalisa Holcombe (10:52): Let’s dig in. Finish this sentence: I’m the type of person who . . . .
Don't’ just list one thing. List as many as you can think of. What kind of person are you? You’re the type of person who . . . . (I challenge you to think of at least 10 items). If you struggle with this, let’s get back to the idea of fear at work. When you think about what you are afraid of at work, you’re the type of person who . . . (what?)
Annalisa Holcombe (11:25): Once you have at least ten items, it’s time to create a chart. On the top of the chart list the word mental model, then positive and then negative. Draw a line underneath each of those words. Under those words list the mental models you identified. For example, if it was I’m the type of person who struggles with numbers, write down “struggles with numbers” and then note if that is a positive or negative mental model. Continue and complete that exercise for each mental model you wrote down. Don’t worry! I’ll wait!
Annalisa Holcombe (12:13): Now, take a look: how many of your mental models about yourself are positive? How many are negative? Are you giving yourself grace? When it comes to your mental models about yourself at work, what are they? Are they more positive than negative? Or more negative than positive?
Annalisa Holcombe (12:36): Finally, especially for those negative mental models, let’s talk about why they exist. For each mental model, examine where you learned this about yourself - do you struggle with numbers because you weren’t able to do something as quickly as someone else? For example, I might say I’m not great with numbers, but when I really examine that, its because I didn’t learn excel in college and have always felt inadequate to everyone around me. Is it something I can overcome? Yes, What changes can I make? I can learn more on excel and practice using it more instead of simply saying I’m bad at it and giving that work to someone else. I can take a class, and practice!
Annalisa Holcombe (13:40): I encourage you to take some time with this. Start with work. What are your own mental models about yourself at work. And even more to the point: what are your own mental models about the things you are AFRAID OF at work? Are they positive or negative? What actually led you to think this about yourself? Is that thinking valid? Are there things you can do to overcome this mental model?
Annalisa Holcombe (14:10): This exercise is going to take some time. Give it yourself. Then step away and go back to it and see what you think.
Annalisa Holcombe (14:19): This work is hard. Thinking about fear is hard, overcoming those fears is also hard. These are the tools to help you do it. You’ve already done the work to understand yourself and be better. Ways to be vulnerable, ways to have courage and trust yourself. And now, how to overcome your fears. I’m really interested to hear what you have to say.
Annalisa Holcombe (15:14): And as I’ve down throughout this season, here is your homework. I’ve created another blogpost to help you - I’ve included the questions in this podcast, as well as the mental model chart. You can find it on our website at www.connectioncollaborative.com/blog
Annalisa Holcombe (15:33): If you want to dig in more, we have an entire episode dedicated to fear featuring Dr. Susan Arsht, which you can find in Season 1, Episode 4. And finally, call me, write me, post your thoughts on social media. I really do want to hear from you! Thanks for listening, and thanks for doing the work.